i almost forgive you

So a lot of people probably know this, but my car was broken into recently. Some ass threw a giant rock through my window and stole my money, credit cards, coach wristlet, change, etc. Like many stupid thieves, they left the television, laptop, fancy bike parts and other things in my car actually of any value as stolen goods (my credit cards were canceled immediately, it was only 50 bucks, who cares about my coach wristlet, really).

Oh yeah, the fat foul? They stole my cookies. They left the packaging, the saran-wrapped plate I had them on, but I never saw another crumb of those delicious delights. I can only picture the thief or thieves, stuffing eighteen frosted white cookies into their shirt pockets, or simply eating them while rifling (poorly) through my stuff.

i got stuck in a tire swing.
k bye.

I was just stabbed my something in the loveseat that I spend the majority of my time in at home.
I was stabbed by a fork.
I do not know how long said fork has been wedged in the chair.

Taco Bell Ritual.

Just, so you know I wake up with a chicken quesadilla mostly eaten laying in my bed or on my floor. At least once every or every other week. I black out and wake up with it just sitting there.



Also I always finish eating it the next day.

stop forgetting everything

RECENTLY, as a part of any healthy hangover, I woke up and immediately checked around to see if I had done anything incredibly stupid before passing out with my sandals still on the night before.

I found what LOOKED like a 2lb bag of sam's club brand asian chex mix in the trash, and I thought to myself "Oh thank god! Fat foul averted. I threw it away so I wouldn't eat it."

Asian chex mix is my name for that mixture of wasabi peas, rice sticks, soy squares etc you can buy. it looks disgusting/like packing material, is too salty, and was free, but that's not the point.

Apparently there were nuts in this 2 lb bag of asian kibbles. Apparently I sat and ate every single peanut, almond and cashew out of the entire bag, because there isn't a single one in the trash. I vaguely remember thinking this was okay. There is salt everywhere.

CURLS O' CHEESE

If this isn't a fat foul in & of itself, I don't know what is.

Jen & I hosted a cookout at our apartment last night and everyone brought food to share. Tijana, Jen's best friend, brought a gargantuan tub of cheese curls - which I don't think I've consumed since 1995, and for good reason. I looked at the nutrition facts and the serving size referred to the amount of "curls" .. über fatty. As Tijana prepared to make her exit, I yelled, "WAIT! DON'T FORGET YOUR CHEESE CURLS!" She refused to take them because, "my mom made me take these because she doesn't like (her grandchildren) eating them - they're too messy. She told me not to bring them back."

GREAT.

Just a little bit of cheese

So this is short and sweet and happened earlier today. I had bought package of those individual cheese slices of mozzarella. So I ate one piece earlier and I was thinking about how hungry I was. So, I got another. Then another. So, pretty soon after that I brought them all in my room and while laying on my bed I ate the entire fucking package! I was doing shit on my laptop not looking at my cheese and it is empty. I ate it in about twenty minutes... a big thing of cheese. WTF.

The time there was cake

One time I made a red velvet cake at the apartment and decided after slaving away at it, I might as well have a piece (I MEAN RIGHT?)...So I cut a small piece and sit at the dining room table and get distracted by something on the tv (or maybe I was talking to jaime) but anyways, I look over and there's cake icing ALL OVER my wrist. It was odd, considering that I hadn't noticed that I put my wrist in any cake or cake icing. I thought it was weird and wiped it off (or maybe I licked it off? I don't know, do you want to fight about it?)

I then sat back down and proceeded to get distracted by the tv or jaime again. A few minutes later I looked down (for some reason I had a feeling that I needed to look down..) only to see....................................................................................................................................................

there was totally cake icing ALL OVER MY LEFT THIGH. Really?

I mean, really?

Why? I don't remember dipping my thigh in cake.

It's still a mystery to this day.

Wannabe FF

While I know the definition of a FF, I experience many situations that straddle the line between true FF and not-quite FF. (An example - One day I smelled multiple specific foods on a passing scent in the air..Abbey vehemently denies that this is a FF, and she's the boss.) But I just think it should be noted that I have a "FOOD" category in my blogroll & 100+ starred items in my GoogleReader that are recipes. I think that fits into the "wannabe FF" category, no?

5 a.m. Mcdonald's and regret.

So after a particular long and crazy night of drinking my friend and I decide to hit up the drunken breakfast mecca of McDonald's. So,we pull up and the worker asks what we want. I decide to order some hash browns and four pancakes... When I say four I mean four. Well, he thinks that I mean four separate cases with four pancakes in them. So, we get this giant bag and I am laughing so hard. It's seriously like a paper bag from a grocery store. Then he asks what condiments I want. After serious consideration I say...EVERYTHING. I want every condiment they have. So in a normal McDonald's bag I have this giant assortment of all this shit. Also in my drunken state I ask the worker if cum is a condiment to his reply 'it can be'.
So, we get back to my friends and began devouring everything. Her mom wakes up and takes one look at all our McDonald's and asks us what the fuck we are doing. So, I pass out at some point and wake up with all the trays around me and my yesterdays work outfit covered in maple syrup and other random things. I have to go to work because I'm late in the same clothes I wore covered in maple syrup, butter, and ketchup in wrinkly clothes.
All day I was bitter about my most likely clogged arteries and sticky clothes...Oh the condiments lasted forever.

NOT A FAT FOUL BUT EQUALLY FUNNY

I was explaining to my mom what a fat foul is and told her that the FF's true originators were Abbey and Jenna. During the same conversation I was just talking about my friends in general and was talking about Jenna's cat, who's name is Falkor. Beginning to utter his name - "Fa..." - she interrupted me and asked, "OMG! Her cat's name is Fat Foul?!?!"

The chicken incident.

I believe this incident happened sometime last summer. It all started with four consecutive shots on whiskey back-to-back and a trip to Get Right. Well, sometime in between the hours of 12 am and 2 am I somehow managed to sneak back home (which I don't remember), drive my car, talk to my roommate about how hungry I was (was I really that hungry? I'll never know), somehow managed to work the oven and place one single chicken breast inside, cook it for the right amount of time, retrieve it from the oven, place it (along with single slice of american cheese) on a plate and take it up to my room. I awake the next morning to find everything still there laying right next to me with a bite or two that may or may not have been taken out of the chicken. How convenient. 

This incident could probably be correlated to the time I woke up with ketchup on my hand and spent a lot of time wondering if it was dried blood or not. 

Welcome to Fat Fouls

First of all, let me start by saying that this blog has been a long time coming. For those of you who are not familiar with the term "fat foul" let me take you on a little journey. Close your eyes and think about a time you had a really great candy, pizza, chicken wing, cake, heaping spoonful of peanut butter, the time you put 4 sticks of butter in a cake and ate it....etc. Do you remember the exhilarating and scrumptious feeling you had as you slowly consumed (well, for other it might be so fast you inhaled) it. Now think back to right after when you (or better yet someone else) realized you had the candy wrapper, chicken wing crumblies, cake icing, peanut butter...in your hair, on your clothes (even better if you ate it off), etc.

Fat fouls are those consequences that happen to us all whilst consuming a d.t. (also known as a delicious treat.) They are not limited to the example given above. Fat fouls are wholly unique experiences and vary from person to person in severity and quality.

Most of us have them and if you don't gfto, stfd, stfu and wtf and most of you probably didn't have a real name for those incidents. Well, now you do.

All stories are welcome to be shared but it's time to stop being ashamed and time to start sharing.